Science Projects and self-control

My oldest son had a middle school science project due yesterday. He had to build a potassium atom. No big deal, right? It started out just fine, his project, he needed to do the work. I made him draw a picture of what he wanted it to look like and then make me a list,  I would pick up the supplies while he was at school, but the project was his and he would do the work.

Easier said than done!

There is nothing more trying on the control freaks patience than watching my child work on his science project in his own unique perfectly imperfect way.

IT. WAS. HARD.

I’m not kidding you. I have never paced so much. Back in forth in the kitchen while he worked away at his project on my kitchen table. He made the protons, neutrons, and electrons out of clay which was a great way to do it… But the balls were not perfectly round and they weren’t the same size, and some of them had a crack in them, and if I could just help him a little bit… Oh boy was it hard!

But, we made it through the first night. All the protons, neutrons, and electrons had to dry overnight. I took a deep sigh of relief that we were finished with that part of the project and sent my son off to wash the clay off of his hands.

Then, night two of working on the project. All he needed to do was to paint the protons, neutrons, and electrons each in a different color and then when they were dry glue the protons and neutrons together to be the nucleus. The electrons had been formed onto the rings already and only needed painting.

Let the pacing begin back and forth, because when he painted he didn’t put enough paint on the brush, and couldn’t he see that he had missed a few spots, and oh he needed to be careful because he was bending the rings. And watch out because he might get paint on the table.

I like to be in control. What a test for me in self-control.

My kids are not going to learn to do anything for themselves if I take over every time something isn’t perfect. Self-control is a hard lesson for me, but I’m learning to let go a little more each day.

Motherhood seems to be the ultimate life-lesson for me.

Imposter Syndrome

Tags

female pastor, imposter syndrome, ministry, pastor, seat at the table

I was offered a seat at another table recently. As a female pastor my mind automatically assumes that there must be some mistake. The wrong email address must have been typed in, the wrong button pushed, or maybe it was meant for my husband instead of myself.

As I sat reading the email last week, inviting me to join in with other pastors on the district and our District Superintendent for a brainstorming session for something new we were going to be doing, I spent most of my energy trying to figure out if this email was actually meant for me. Why would I be asked? What business did I have offering any input? Why would anything that I have to say matter at all?

In Tara Beth Leach’s new book, Emboldened, she calls this imposter syndrome. And I never realized that I had it until I read her book. But I have found, that I always feel like an imposter. That I don’t have much to offer, and although I long to have a voice and a seat at the table, I never feel as though I deserve it.

I constantly battle this imposter syndrome. I have from the moment I began my journey towards becoming a pastor, and I gotta say, it has definitely held be back. I have kept my voice to myself, because no one would want to hear what I have to say anyways, and I have used my introvertedness (is that even a word??) as an excuse.

As a co-pastor with my husband, I have deferred to him on many occasions, partly because he is more outgoing and I feel can speak off the cuff better than I can, and partly because I think that people will listen to him more.

I have failed to speak up and offer myself to fill in areas because I’m sure there is someone more qualified and better at doing it. Although, I will say, I am starting to do better in this area.

I hesitate to share thoughts or opinions in groups. I fear I might come off as obnoxious or arrogant. Or worse, that no one will hear a word that I say simply because I’m a woman. I also have a tendency to fear that I may cry when I’m passionate about something because that’s who I am and that’s something that I do, but I have been accused to being too emotional to be a pastor, so if there is any chance I will get choked up at all (like I am currently because those are some of the words that have cut the deepest to me), I will hold my tongue and say nothing at all.

I said yes though, even though I doubted, even though I wasn’t sure why my opinion would matter, even though there might be some mistake. I said yes, I’ll take my place at the table, I will slowly overcome imposter syndrome, and I will let my voice be heard.

Avoiding obedience

I’ve known since I was a kid that I was meant to write. Long before God ever called me to be a pastor. There is something about writing. It calls to me, beckons me. And yet, often times I avoid it. Mostly because I don’t feel as though I have anything worth while of saying.

Why would anyone have any desire to read what I write? That’s the question that rolls around in my mind that often stops me from trying at all, or finds me frantically hitting the backspace in order to erase all of the thoughts I’ve already put to the paper, or the computer.

I’m not trying to throw myself a pity party, although if there’s chocolate involved in the party I might be tempted. I’m just laying out as a fact. I avoid something that I know God has asked me to do.

I hate putting it that way really, because it hurts. But, it’s true. I have spent years making excuses as to why I shouldn’t write, I’ve got a lot of them, maybe sometime I’ll share them with you.

I guess I thought that maybe as I got older, if I didn’t write, then the desire would fade away kind of like one of those green plastic chairs left out in the summer sun. That eventually I would move on and think of other things and I just wouldn’t want to write anymore. But the opposite has seemed to happened. The more I go on, the more experiences I have, the more I desire to write.

Maybe it’s just to remember everything. Maybe it’s just so some day I can look back and think fondly on things that have happened. Or breath a deep sigh of relief that I got through those issues that I didn’t think I would ever be able to make it past.

Whatever it is that drives me to want to put my thoughts into written words, I give in. I’m waving the white flag of surrender and giving into the drive that keeps pushing me in this direction. I’d love to promise you that it means that I will have regular blog posts, but the scared side of me, the one that doesn’t want to always share my thoughts and feelings and put myself into a vulnerable position is screaming insides of my head saying, “NOOOOOOOO, don’t write that, don’t make that promise.”

It’s not a new years resolution to write more, we are still a few weeks away from that, and I tend to not make resolutions because I might as well just say it’s what I’m not going to do for the new year.

What it is though is a turn in obedience. Giving in to the desires and call that God has placed on my life and in my heart. Expect to read more from me. I hope that the process of writing more will challenge and grow me, and maybe help me strengthen my voice some as well.

Until next time, and hopefully that won’t be long from now.

If you don’t know how to do something…

Tags

family, female pastor, kids, Life, life lessons, pastor, pastors kids, something new, women in ministry

then just don’t do it at all! Those are the words I found myself yelling at my kids the other day. And the moment they came out I regretted it. Unfortunately I can’t say it’s the first time that that has happened, and I’m sure that it won’t be the last.

I was frustrated.

Here is the issue, the kids were playing with paper, nothing wrong there and I love when they use their imagination, so a lot of times I look over the waste and mess and just remind them to clean up when they are done. But this time they were using a stapler, again, not really a big deal, clean up when you are done.

But, the stapler was laying open on the table and I could tell something wasn’t quite right. The staples were in wrong, but something else wasn’t right, because it seemed as though they didn’t even fit, and that’s because they didn’t.

The boys had found staples for the stapler gun and tried to “make them fit” into the regular stapler, it didn’t work. Frustrated and upset the words came tumbling out of my mouth before I really had a chance to even think about what I was saying.

I didn’t mean it, not at all. I hadn’t insulted my kids, I hadn’t told them they were bad, but I did insinuate that they shouldn’t try new things. That they shouldn’t use their imaginations and make their way out of their comfort zones. That’s not what I want for them at all.

I stopped, in that moment. I wanted to set them straight. I apologized.

So, to my children, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that you shouldn’t try new things. I didn’t mean that you always need to know what you are doing, if that were the case on most days I would probably do nothing. You need to find yourselves in new situations. You need to be able to create. You need to sometimes find a space to make a mistake and try to figure things out on your own.

I can buy a new stapler, they aren’t expensive, it’s not a big deal. And I’m sorry.

Expand your horizons. Do something when you don’t even know where to start. Figure things out, make a difference, change the world. Mess up, put things down and try again. And sometimes, when you can’t figure it out, ask for help.

I don’t want my children to ever think that they aren’t capable of trying things on their own, of figuring things out, of doing something that they started off having no idea how to do.

I want them to try new things. I want them to be daring and brave. I want them to move outside of what makes them comfortable. I want them to be bold and think big. But when they are done, I still want them to clean up after themselves.

We never know what we might be capable of unless we allow ourselves to do something we didn’t know how to do to begin with.

Try something new today!

It happened last night…

Tags

busyness, family, Life, life lessons, mom life, presence, slowing down

What? You might ask. What exactly happened last night. Well, I’ll tell you, I got a speeding ticket. Yup that’s right, I said it, I got a speeding ticket. I got a ticket because I was going to fast, I was going too fast because I was late, I was late because cheer pictures took longer than they were supposed to. They took longer than they were supposed to because they took the 3rd grade JV squad before the 2nd grade squad and instead of being first they were second, and that threw everything off. And I got a speeding ticket, because I was hurrying, because I was late.

I’d like to say this is an isolated event. I’d like to say that this never happens, but that wouldn’t be the truth. Not the speeding ticket part, that’s only happened one other time, and you guessed it, I was running late. But the rushing part. The always trying to get to the next thing quickly part. There was a lesson for me last night…

I NEED TO SLOW DOWN!!!!!

In life, in general, I need to slow down.

Here is the thing, I’m a wife, I’m a mom, I’m a pastor, and I’m about a dozen other things as well, and most of the time I’m being pulled in several different directions, and I’m constantly thinking about/looking at, what is coming up next.

What is the next thing on my plate, what is next on my to do list, what is the next thing that I have scheduled to do, and what are the half a dozen things that I need to do before I get there.

The problem with focusing on what the next is, is that I miss the right now. Sure, I captured a couple of cute pics of my daughter while she was posing for her pictures, but I was so focused on how much longer it was going to take because we really had someplace else we needed to be.

And most nights I’m washing dishes while making dinner so that when dinner is done there is room in the sink for the dishes and I can then wash those. But I’m also yelling at my daughter to find her shoes and make sure she has what she needs for practice, and by the way does she remember where the hair tie is because I’m not sure I have any more, and could she please brush out her hair before I put it in a pony tail for practice.

And I’m also referring a fight between two of the boys and one of the kids wants me to look at something they made, but I don’t have time right now and maybe they could show me later, or tomorrow might actually be better because after dinner I have to take your sister to cheer and then come home and do the dishes and I have some sermon work that needs to be done for Sunday and a couple of phone calls I need to make, and could you please move all of your stuff off the table so that we can eat dinner, and no don’t just leave it laying in the living room please actually put it away.

And there is ALWAYS something else. ALWAYS.

There is always another thing coming or someone else who needs my attention. And I’m rushing to get through because if I get interrupted I might not ever get back on track.

So it happened last night, I got a  speeding ticket, sure, but more important I got a lesson.

A lesson in slowing down, but also a lesson in being present. A lesson that shows the importance of being in the now and not always worrying about the next.

What about you? Are you guilty of that? Do you find yourself always rushing to whatever is next and failing to be present and aware of what is going on now? How can you this week slow down a little more? Share your thoughts, I’d love to hear them. Maybe I can gather an idea or two from you.

What’s that to you

“If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.”

These are Jesus’ words to Peter in John chapter 21. Jesus had commanded Peter to follow him, and in true Peter fashion he asked of John, “what about him?”

Peter wasn’t content to just do what Christ was asking him to do. What about my brother, what about my friend, he was asking Jesus. Peter had a tendency to worry about things that he had no business worrying about. And I have to admit, I do too.

Ouch!

The truth can sometimes be very painful, but we need to be able to admit to it. God has been speaking to my heart a lot about this lately. Every time I let that thought creep into my mind. “Sure God, you want me to do this… but what about him, or what about her. Shouldn’t he be doing this. Shouldn’t she go and do that.”

It’s so easy to sometimes get caught up in what other people “ought” to be doing. Or so we think, or so I think at least.

The message that Jesus was getting across here to Peter was that he really just needed to make sure that he was following. That he was doing specifically what he had been asked to do.

What we don’t realize sometimes is there is freedom in this.

Yes, freedom!

There is freedom in being. There is freedom in not worrying about other people. In not being concerned if they are doing the “right” thing or not. Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t pray for them or even encourage them. But we get so caught up in doing God’s job sometimes, and he really doesn’t need us to do it for him.

I have found freedom in simply taking care of myself. Am I really doing all that God has called me to do? Am I really being the person that he has created me to be? Am I allowing him to stretch and move and mold me into what he wills and wants for my life?

When I am concerned about me and what God is asking me to do, then I can focus on being the person that he has called me to be.

Are you more concerned with trying to take care of others and what you think God is calling them to that you lose sight of what God is calling you to do?

What can you do this week, or even today to set your eyes focused directly on him and receive the freedom of not taking the burden of others upon yourself?

Forever ago

Forever ago, is right, or at least that’s what it seems that it has been since I’ve taken the time to sit down and write.

I mean, let’s be honest, I narrate just about everything that happens in life in my head, if I could just automatically translate it from my brain to page without having to type I would have page after page after page of neverending thoughts put into blog posts, there would be more than you could probably possibly read, but that’s not real life, so I guess it doesn’t even really matter.

But, life is crazy, and real, and there are people who depend on me every day, and by the time I take care of them and the house, and everything else, there seems to be no energy left for me to write. Well, at least I don’t have the motivation to do it really.

Big changes have come over the last several months, after 13 years I have said goodbye to youth ministry, well somewhat, not completely though, I’m definitely not ready for that. But all of that is a blog post for another time, when it’s not so fresh still. Yes, it has been months but I’m not yet far enough removed from it to be objective yet I think.

In the past month my husband and I have said hello to the new adventure of being co-lead pastors at a church. It has already brought with it an overwhelming feeling of being unqualified, and yet, somehow, the overwhelming presence of the Holy Spirit reminding me this is right where we are supposed to be.

Being a mom, and wife, and pastor is a lot of work, but it’s kind of amazing at the same time.

I read, a lot, and there are lots of great resources. I just wish someone would tell e how to deal with my overly emotional tween boy. Seriously, it’s something I wasn’t prepared for, I didn’t see coming, and no one warned me about. But, just another thing to prove that life is hard and I need God more than anything else.

So, as 2016 is coming to an end and 2017 is just a couple of weeks away, here’s to new adventures, new challenges, new beginnings, and new stories to tell.

And I promise, I won’t wait so long to update again.

Until next time, which hopefully will be before next year.

 

To my junior high self

Tags

Life, self image

I see your awkwardness, you don’t know how to dress. Large shirts on an extra small body. Glasses when you desperately want contacts. And yet, it doesn’t matter. Keep it that way. It doesn’t matter, please don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

It’s okay to be awkward. That’s what Junior High is for anyways. Awkwardness. Your friends? They are amazing. Keep them. They are the loyal ones. The one’s you have now, that you have struggled with up until this point in your life? Those are the ones who care about you for who you are. They don’t care that you are awkward or that your clothes don’t fit. They don’t care that you wear glasses, that’s all they have pretty much ever known of you. They don’t care that your hair is frizzy and most of the time you pull it into a ridiculous pony tail. And they won’t ever care. You need friends. You need people that are okay with you as you and don’t want to change you and don’t think that you need to “grow up.”

Don’t be in a hurry to grow up. Play with barbies if you want to and watch ridiculous cartoons. Pretend and enjoy and it’s okay if you are scared of the dark, some adults are scared of the dark too.

Church is good. In fact it’s the best. Invite your friends. They don’t all go to church, even if they say they do. They need Jesus in their lives too, even if they seem like they are “good.” It’s not enough to just be “good.”

Read your Bible, but don’t just read it, highlight it. Soak it in, these are the words you need to live by. This is your guide for life. God wants big things for you, but you won’t know it if you aren’t paying attention. Listen, don’t just talk to God, he has a lot of amazing things to say. Don’t worry, you’ll know when he’s speaking to you if you take the time to listen.

Get over silly things. Life doesn’t last forever. You already know that, you lost your best friend. Don’t worry, you’ll never forget her, you couldn’t possibly.

Stand up for yourself. Be who God made you and don’t apologize for it. Have confidence in yourself. You are amazing. You matter. You are important. And you can do anything you put your mind to. But you need to apply yourself, don’t get lazy, try, try hard, and when you fail, and sometimes you will, try again.

Continue to read. You love it for a reason. There are so many things to learn in the pages of a book. Reading takes you to places and times you would never be otherwise able to travel to.

Don’t worry about what boys think. There will be plenty of time for that when you are older, it really doesn’t matter at this age. You are young, enjoy it. You don’t need a boyfriend, but guys do make great friends. What you are drawn to is their kindness and goofiness. The good ones will be around for a long time, just enjoy hanging out. They will be there for you, when things are hard, you can count on them. Some day you will find that one guy for forever, junior high is not the time to worry about that.

Laugh, a lot, about everything. Have fun, don’t stress. It’s okay if you get called names. It’s not okay to call names back. If you let it bother you it fuels the flame, if you let it go it’s way less fun, they will stop. There are way more important things to do then to get worked up over silliness.

Be a friend. To everyone, even if it’s not the popular thing to do. Everyone needs a friend. You don’t have to be best friends, but be kind and be genuine. Don’t be fake, just be you.

Enjoy, it goes to fast. You will be great. Trust God, he will never lead you astray.

Oh, and the awkwardness eventually goes away, don’t worry. Be confident. Be you. Be beautiful just the way you are.

Because it isn’t really about me

Tags

it's not about me, Life, ministry, women in ministry, youth ministry

It’s been kind of a rough week. Well a rough start at least. And I’ll admit a lot of that had to do with my attitude. I had an issue with everything and nothing was going right. I was doing a lot of complaining. And then other things just started piling on top.

I was feeling hurt, betrayed, bitter, angry, and seriously the list goes on. And my bad attitude was spilling into my life and all over everyone else. I was a hot mess.

And I got to the point where something just completely put me over the edge and I went to bed angry and upset. And I tossed. And I turned. And I reasoned that I had every right to feel the way I did and I could deal with it however I wanted to. And I was determined that I was right.

And after not sleeping a while I got up and decided I would go and work on a Bible study lesson. If I wasn’t sleeping I might as well do something with my time.

I turned my Bible to Ephesians 4 to read and seriously. God smacked me in the face!

Sometime God speaks gently and nudges and prods. But I was so far past the ability to feel any of that. I had been overcome by my selfishness and making everything about me and only being concerned about how I was feeling that I wasn’t going to pay any attention to a gentle nudge. I needed that smack in the face.

God reminded me in that moment that I was living as my old self. I was consumed by me. I had no regard for any other option in this situation.

You see, life is busy. I have more on my plate than my table can hold, and I’m trying to juggle it all. My to-do list is longer than the page I have to write it on. There is more of me that is needed than me I have to give. More time is required in my day than there are hours in the day.

I had been caught by busyness. Caught up in all the stuff and worrying about if it would get done that I had completely forgotten why I do it in the first place.

God took that moment and my anger, frusteration, bitterness, selfishness, and my entilted-to-be-immatureness and in one moment he wiped it away.

I was smacked in the face by his word, broken down to where I needed to be, and completely and utterly washed with an indescribable peace.

And God, in a not-so-gentle, but much needed, way brought me back to him. He spoke truth and peace. He reminded me in those verses that it isn’t about me.
That I need to rely on him.
That busyness doesn’t matter, but God does.
That when people hurt me it’s not about me but about them.
That my focus needs to be on God alone.

In that moment God gave me joy. A joy I lost in the busyness of life. And he gave me provision.
In the following days and moments he provided encouragement and comfort from the words of friends. He provided opportunities for me to pass some things off so I could focus on other things instead. He provided for situations I didn’t even know I needed provided for yet.
God is awesome like that.

Tonight I have peace.
Everything isn’t perfect and there is still a lot left to do, but I have peace.

Everything will work out I just need to trust God and remember, it’s not about me.

I volunteer, to clean the kitchen

Tags

cleaning, introvert, Life, ministry, motherhood, parenting, youth ministry

My children did not have school today.

My husband still had to work.

It was me against them, 1 against 4.

The morning was rough, they were up extra early and needed extra things, I foolishly thought I might actually get to sleep in. I was wrong. So wrong. Everyone needed something from me, and the pot of coffee hadn’t even finished brewing yet. (Never a good thing). There was bickering and disagreements and he did this and she looked at me, and he touched a toy that is mine but I haven’t even seen or thought about for the last 12 months.

I had determined yesterday that with the beautiful fall day we would take a trip to the zoo. We didn’t get to go much this summer, and might as well make the most out of our membership. So after lunch we were off. It was nice, we walked and looked at the animals and made it home in time for an afternoon snack (it’s a small zoo and since we go often we usually move through pretty quickly).

And then, more bickering. It’s seriously nonstop sometimes and I can only take so much. So, by the time dinner is done, so am I. That’s why I volunteer to clean the kitchen.

Seems strange I know, I cook most of the meals. Tonight my husband grilled hot dogs and I got the rest of the food ready, I don’t grill, I probably could, but I don’t really know how. I’m tired by the time that dinner is done. Worn out from kids and work and homework and housework, and everything else. So I volunteer to clean the kitchen.

There are a few reasons for this. My husband is not home in the mornings when the kids leave for school and he is not home when they get home from school. Depending on when exactly he is working he usually gets home either during homework time or right as we are sitting down to eat dinner. Usually, could be later. He works hard. The kids don’t get to see him that much and time cleaning the kitchen is time they could be spending together. Yes, sometimes they clean the kitchen together, but when it’s nice I’d rather them be able to show their dad the new tricks they learned how to do on their bikes and tell him all about their school day while kicking the soccer ball back and forth or sitting together and enjoying the fresh air.

My kids need their dad, and he needs them too.

But also, the kitchen is quiet.

I’m an introvert and I spend a lot of the time during the day giving my energy away to other people. But after dinner, no one is left in the kitchen. The kids will run out the door as quickly as they can to enjoy the last of the daylight and the house is quiet. There is no one asking me to do something for them or asking how long until we eat again. They don’t hang around probably because they are afraid I’m going to recruit them to do some work. And I get time to myself.

Yes, I want my husband and children to spend time together, but mostly, I want a quiet house to myself if only for 20 minutes. I can take my time and enjoy the silence. And get back that energy that I need to take me through until the kids go to bed. To give them more of my energy and engage them in conversation and reading books and snuggles and kisses and sweet moments. I get a little recharge from my time alone cleaning the kitchen and it’s just what I need at that time of the day.

Please, don’t tell my husband, I might not always want to clean the kitchen after dinner.